Sometimes it’s a roller coaster….

What makes recovery a roller coaster? Maybe through therapy and counseling for years, combined with my mental health diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, its hard to ride the highs and lows of the roller coaster I’m constantly on. I have become self-conscious because my head gets in the way constantly.

Night time is always the hardest for me. During the day, my mood swings don’t seem as extreme. My fear is perpetuated before night even comes. But why? Due to past experiences, night-time has been miserable, sometimes the minutes drag on, and time seems to slow down, I feel chaotic and alone, my head gets really loud, and the loneliness sets in. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels this way, and as I’m told by a very dear friend of mine in recovery,  with time it gets “different” and eventually it will pass For now it is difficult, painful and mostly I live in fear of the same old patterns. When night-time approaches, I become bored and anxious. Now that I no longer use, changing my habits and hobbies is something that I have to do, RIGHT? Going to meetings, reading books, doing step work, doing puzzles, finding new friends, watching marathon shows, coloring (in the lines), cross stitching….things that no longer involve my disease!

The stories and lies this disease tells me still seem to surprise me. After all this time I know that its going to happen and I still am shocked at some of the things that it tells me. But why, I ask? This disease is cunning baffling and powerful. It can still do things that don’t make sense that shock me on the regular. In fighting for my life over and over, I still struggle on a daily basis to NOT pick up, and NOT use, sometimes its minute by minute.

One of the biggest lies, that’s GIGANTIC, that I continue to deal with, due to pain and my mental health struggle is Drs and Prescription Medication. When I was a little girl I was ALWAYS sick, which led to me being at the Dr all the time, and as I grew up, I had developed a pattern of  UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR. Sometimes, I really was sick, and other times it was created in my head for me to get more medication. (this is a seperate blog, not this blogs story) I have always been one to resort to medication to deal with my anxiety and pain and that is ONE of the many things that I am trying to change. I am currently on an AS NEEDED medication called Buspirone. It is not in the benzo class or related to sedative/anxiolytic drugs. For an addict like me, its one of the safer anxiety medications used to treat moderate to severe anxiety. I also take other mental health meds for mood swing issues and ADD/ADHD!

Talking about my mental health condition and taking medictions is difficult for me because I feel so much judgement even if it self imposed judgement! Its part of the roller coaster.”Kelli, stop judging yourself and relax!” Bottom line is, im the one that has to survive this roller coaster, not someone else! I can’t write a blog honestly, IF IM NOT HONEST! So, it is what it is. The truth is the truth!

I have always allowed medication and doctors to be a door way or an excuse to use. I have tried over the last couple of years to live by spiritual principles and become an honest woman and to no longer use Drs or medication to get loaded. I know that because I do have mental health conditions that I have to take meds today, but that is not a license for me to use. I am responsible for my recovery, NOT my Dr.

Here’s the thing….. to take Medication, to not take Medication… that is the question.? I sound a bit like Shakespeare. We all know that medications are sometimes necessary to sustain a healthy life, deciding if and when is the fine line balancing act. and when it becomes difficult. I fear this disease to a point in which I don’t believe that I can describe, I just feel it. It has destroyed me and my life over and over again. So, yesterday when I said that IM POWERLESS, what that really means is that once I have picked up, I NO LONGER HAVE A CHOICE. Once I take medication… then???

In my experience a relapse happens long before I pick up, so when the “roller coaster” begins I start to get into fear, wondering I am in relapse mode. LOL. I just read what I wrote, I’m trying to think how often  I’m not on the roller coaster….and there have been breaks in the ride, so if I just hang in there maybe…it will slow down….JUST DON’T USE!!!!!!!!

So, just for today….I’m grateful, that I got through another ride last night, and it’s another new day. I’ll check in later.